blog love – i love you, but i don’t need you and you certainly don’t complete me

Today’s Blog Love post is from one of my favorite bloggers, Ms. GG Renee of All the Many Layers. A few months back, I made a post about Tamar Braxton’s new single, Love and War. I briefly touched on the type of relationship that evokes two very different dynamics… the feeling of love and the feeling of war. Essentially, in this type of relationship you fight hard but you love even harder. You might fight like cats and dogs but in the end… it’s always all good.

Well, this post from GG Renee explores the notion that sometimes what we view in our relationships as “love”… the drama, intensity, obsession… just might be signs of an unhealthy attachment. Read on to see if you, or someone you know, can relate.

-Love & Light… CB Radio

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2012

I Love You, but I Don’t Need You {and You Certainly Don’t Complete Me}

I have this maddening pet peeve about love songs. And I’m going to tell you about it. It will sound trivial at first, but we’ll end up in a valuable, thoughtful kind of place – I promise.

So, I can’t stand love songs that are written with these extreme simplifications that don’t really make sense.  To wit: “I’d die without you…You are my everything…I can’t breathe without you.”

Really?  Nothing would make me run away faster.  I find these sentiments disturbing. They sound like obsession.  And unhealthy attachment.  Not love.  Love is about letting go, not clinging.

Maybe we need the drama.  Some of us think that if there’s no intensity, then it’s not love. Anyone?

~~~~~~~~~~

Years ago, all I’d experienced was that volatile kind of love – it probably shouldn’t even be called love, desire is a better word – where I was driven by this need to be with this man at all costs.  I was endlessly patient, thinking that I could turn him into what I wanted him to be through perserverance. Not only did I want him to change, but I wanted him to change for me.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I defined myself by our relationship. I didn’t think I could be happy with him not loving me the way I thought he should.  I wanted him to fill me up.

Never again, in a millions lifetimes would I ever want to feel that I need someone’s love to make me whole.  I couldn’t see what was really happening; all I could see was what I wanted to happen. I thought this desire was love.  But I wasn’t being my true self and I wasn’t letting him be true to himself either.  Yet I would cry and throw love in his face to make him feel responsible for my turmoil.  “But I loooooove you!  I’ve done nothing but love you and look how you treat me!”

I can vividly remember the wall slides and the slamming doors.  Somewhere deep down, deep deep down, I relished all the emotional mayhem.  I thought, “Wow, we must really be in love.  We go at it, but we can’t function without each other so we keep coming back.”    I managed to actually feel lucky to have such passion in my life.  No matter the cost, I was going to go down with that ship.  I was sure of it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.”   You don’t have to force it, trick it, wait for it or cage it up so no one else can get it.  You don’t have to experience pain or heartache in order to experience love.

When you truly love someone, you are simply thankful that they exist and you want them to be happy whether they are with you or not. You can see beyond yourself enough to know that this is not all there is.

This post is not just about romance and dramatic lyrics though, is it?  The more we learn what love is trying to teach us, the more we’ll appreciate every aspect of our journeys.  Love does not exist in one person, place or thing.  It’s everywhere, above, below and around and inside of all of us.  So you see, there’s no need to cling or fixate on a certain outcome.

Love says to let go, have faith, and be at peace. Not just in your relationships, but in life.  Are you listening?

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blog love – five songs we’d like to forget we loved

I really had to LOL at this one… For his guest post with the good folks at Ebony, Damon Young, a.k.a. The Champ, one half of Very Smart Brothas drops a list of five songs that he’d like to forget he ever loved. I also sometimes get into the nostalgic rut of thinking the R&B and hip hop music I grew up with was so golden… even legendary, if you will… and some of the current music today is just throwing dirt on the faces of those genres… Guilty as charged. Sue me.

Yeah, I admit I can rap ALL the lyrics to Crucial Conflict’s “Hay” on cue… I remember how crunk a crowd would get hearing Master P “Make ‘Em Say Ugh”. And whatever did happen to those chicks that sang “My Boo” on the So So Def Bass All-Stars compilation album anyway?

So what say you? What songs did you once love but you’d be less than eager to blast them in your whip today? See if you can co-sign The Champ’s below…

-Love & Light… CB Radio

Sisqo

As a person who came of age in what I consider to be the golden age of rap—1993 to 1999—I’m personally offended that “music” created by something called a “Chief Keef” or a “Kreashawn” could even be listed under the same genre that produced “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.” and “Things Fall Apart.” The music created by these people is nothing but an example of the gradual devolution of hip-hop culture, a stark example of our regression from “wanting to do right” to “intentional ratchetness.”

I’m also full of sh*t.

I was reminded of this fact while at my parents’s house a couple days ago. I was in their basement, looking for an old book, when I came across a few dusty cassettes I listened to in high school. There was the High School High soundtrack, a DJ Clue mixtape, Redman’s “Muddy Waters” (still a great listen, btw), and…Crucial Conflict. Yes, that Crucial Conflict. The “Heeeeeey, in the middle of the barn” Crucial Conflict.

Amazingly, my self-righteous nostalgia for 90’s hip-hop—real music listened to by real people—somehow allowed me to forget that among the Wu-Tangs and the Tupacs were groups such as Crucial Conflict that I also would listen to every now and then.

With this in mind, here are a few more songs we also tend to conveniently “forget” that we used to love

1. “Thong Song”— Sisqo

Laugh now at the name Sisqo, the image that the name Sisqo brings to your mind, the “Thong Song,” and the fact that I know people (“people” = “me”) who thought “Dru Hill” was one person until seeing one of their videos for the first time, there was a two to four month span when “Thong Song” wasn’t just the hottest song in the country, it was one of the biggest club songs ever. You’d be hard-pressed to find another track that made people sprint to the dance floor the way “Thong Song” did when it was hot.

Then, it was like Black America suddenly and collectively decided“Wait, this song is wack, and Sisqo, um, needs more people” and it was never, ever, ever, ever heard again.

2. “Oh Boy” Cam’Ron feat. Juelz Santana

Although Cam’Ron had already made waves on the mixtape/NYC radio circuit—and had already released a surprisingly underrated album—“Oh Boy” was his first track that made people think “Hmmm. This guy may actually sell some records some day.” Unfortunately, Killa Cam’s most popular song also happened to be his worst, as this is the track where him and Juelz first debuted their annoying (but admittedly lucrative) habit of rhyming the exact same word for an entire verse.

3. Addams Groove” MC Hammer

I know including MC Hammer on this list is low-hanging fruit hanging off of another piece of low-hanging fruit. MC Hammer was extremelypopular, and saw his popularity plummet almost as quickly as it rose. I even feel (kinda) bad including him on this list. But, when remembering how happy I was to receive the Addams Family soundtrack as a birthday gift just because it had “Addams Groove” on it (I know you remember this song. “They do want they want to do, say what they want to say…” You remember it now, right? Right?), leaving it off just wouldn’t be fair to anyone, including MC Hammer.

4. “Getto Jam” Domino

It’s been almost 20 years since this song was first released, and I’m still not sure if Domino was rapping or singing. I am sure, though, that the single went gold, made everyone in Pittsburgh want to move to LA, and was soon followed by the equally perplexing “Sweet Potato Pie.”

5. “Chi-Chi Man” — T.O.K.

This song was undoubtedly the biggest dancehall reggae track in 2001 and 2002. Actually, forget the disclaimer. it was one of the hottest songs,period. People—myself included—would walk around campus humming the lyrics, reciting “my crew, my dogs” while at the cafeteria or waiting for the campus shuttle. You’d hear it on the radio, in cars, and blaring from dormitory speakers Friday and Saturday nights. It held the de facto “stop everything and rush to the dancefloor” title for at least three months in 2001, edging out “Superwoman (Pt.II).”

“Chi-Chi Man” is also maybe the most hateful, vile, and dangerous popular song…ever. (No, seriously. I dare you to find a song that made the radio with lyrics as evil as “Chi-Chi Man’s” were.) The song contains an unambiguous message that gay men should be burned alive. I wasn’t made aware of this until years later, and I doubt most others in love with the infectious hook and upbeat verses actually knew what the hell they were talking about.

I guess we had a good reason to “forget” about this one.

2013… how does it feel?

So, you know what you want to do in the new year… You know where you want to go… but do you know how you want to feel in 2013?

I must admit that in terms of goals, new year’s resolutions and the like I’ve never thought about my life from that angle until reading this great article by GG Renee over at All the Many Layers. In the article she writes:

“Think about how you want to feel. Don’t worry about specific outcomes. How do you want to feel about your work? Your mate? Your finances? What about your health? Your personal development & growth? Even think about how you want to feel about your body, your wardrobe and your hair. By evoking the feelings you want to feel, you’ll create the environment for those things to manifest.”

Me, I want to feel SECURE in knowing that my decisions aren’t inherently right or wrong, good or bad. Every decision I make, even a so-called bad one, has the potential to be a lesson learned which can only make me wiser should I allow myself to be taught.

I want to feel WORTHY of the good things, people, and opportunities that come my way. Sometimes we let guilt, self-pity, or doubt obstruct our vision of the beautiful view God bestows upon us. If He saw fit for the good to be… it must be. Thank Him and keep it moving!

I want to feel BEAUTIFUL when I look in the mirror but not from first glance aesthetics. Because every kink and curl of my hair does its own thing… and that’s fine by me. Because every accessory or article of clothing I own makes me feel PROUD to wear it. Because every slight indication of age reminds me that I’ve been blessed and favored to see a new day.

I want to feel HEALTHY… Point. Blank. And the period. 🙂

I want to feel BOLD in my pursuit of further self-discovery and COMFORTABLE enough to do so with criticism and without validation no matter who decides (or decides not) to rock out with me.

I could go on but I’d like to know a little bit about how you want to feel. What people, things, sounds, or places can make you feel that way?

This song always makes me feel… FREE! Check it out!

“Oooh, baby, let’s take life’s highway.

It’s automatically yours and my way.

No road is too rough to travel.

We’ll walk barefoot on life’s gravel”

Bilal – “Free”

blog love – be

The Blog Love featured here is a poem by Muze at Because I’m Write. I’d usually insert some sort of introduction here, but here I feel there is no introduction needed… How about a round of poetry snaps??

Love & Light… CB Radio

Be

Posted on August 5, 2011 by 

a dozen ways to Live,
we taught each other how to breathe
without oxygen
oxymoronic collaborations of genius
we crafted,
between stained fingers and intertwined strands
of lust and Love…
coasting on intangible planes of Pure.

not meant for consumption
yet you ate off my plate of afflicted beautiful
like your last meal was at stake
i fed you spoonfuls of consistent inconsistency…
washed your tongue with my words,
smiling in the moments when our palates met gracefully.

imperfected flawlessly, we reached
so far beyond any planet or star, we named this Abyss
sealed with a kiss of wrists when i lay lazily across your midriff
and not meant to rhyme but reason escaped, so Be was let Be.

blog love – how to know he is mad at you: 10 signs

For the next Blog Love article, Dr. J over at Single Black Male gives us ladies some insight by translating some “guyspeak” on ten signs your man is mad at you. Ladies, do any of these things sound familiar to you or have you been the one to say them? Fellas, have you said these things before? What’s missing from the list?

-Love & Light… CB Radio

How to Know He’s Mad at You: 10 Signs

December 20, 2012 By 

A few years back I was with my ex and she had a close friend who came home to find that her boyfriend had moved all of his things out while she was away at work that day. As she sat with her trying to console her I was thinking to myself, “I know for a fact that he didn’t just up and leave.” You know she had told me a story about how she kept pressing him to make plans for marriage and he was very hesitant, but they had been together for a minute so she kept pressing. In my mind, I knew what happened: he got so frustrated that one day he just decided he’d leave since she wouldn’t listen to him. I think that the majority of men whether they are excellent communicators or not always have a tendency to let things bottle up inside of them. I’ve noticed in myself that I have that flaw, I’ll never really tell a person when they’re bothering me until it’s too late and either I’m ready to move on or I explode. I thought back over all the times I’ve been mad and I came up with a list of ten signs he’s upset.

how to know he is mad at you

“Nothing.”

The fan favorite for the Black male is telling you that nothing is wrong. Pay close attention to this though, it’s different from when a woman says, “nothing.” When a woman says “nothing” she really means, “keep trying to find out what’s wrong.” When a man says “nothing” he really means “everything is wrong but I don’t want to talk about it because the situation isn’t likely to change.”

“You got it.”

At a certain point in every argument men reach that point where they realize that there is no way for them to win or even find middle ground. They also realize that sometimes their old lady has gotten so wound up for battle that he’s on level 1 and she’s preparing for an Extinction Level Event.

“I should just…”

This is my favorite… when I get to that point where I’m upset or frustrated I tell myself that I should just do something wild so you see exactly why I’m upset. If you’re giving me the silent treatment and I’m trying to ask if you want to go to this nice dinner tonight, I’ll just say, “I should just leave and then watch what she do when she see the pics on Instagram.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.”

At this point, the man has completely lost any hope that you could possibly handle the situation or issue. This literally means, “cease and desist, move on to the side, and don’t do anything else to contribute to the dismay or failure of the situation.” Keep in mind, once a man loses faith in your ability to handle situations, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever get back that faith. This might be a time when an act of desperation or a “coming through in the clutch” moment should be inspired inside of you.

[Silence]

You ever been driving down the street, seen a couple in another car and the guy’s hands are on the steering wheel, staring out the front of the car while his girlfriend is ripping him a new one? Funny right? Nope. That’s a tactic used by men to not contribute to a crazy situation. Typically, when a crazy situation ends both sides say what they did wrong to contribute to it, by not saying anything at all it leaves no other chance for a result other than “woman you crazy.”

“Aight, bet.”

I’ve got a friend who says this just about all the time. It’s typically between men and not often used towards women. “Aight, bet” means, “I’m through with this argument, actions speak louder than words.” “Aight, bet” is also the most frequently used phrase before someone exits and returns with a pistol or shank. If you’re around a bar or lounge and you see someone say this and leave, you should go too.

“Are you serious?!”

We’re just seeking clarification that you actually know just how much of a hot mess you’re currently acting like. We don’t really expect anything to come from this question, but we want you to understand you’re being a hot mess. Feel free to continue on with your point, but we just wanting to level set on the status of your behavior. 

“OK.”

We are all very well aware that women hate this reply to anything. It means a lot but it doesn’t give a single detail or confirmation. If you start hooting and hollering and you get an “OK” it’s the ultimate finger to your storm. We’ll do it via text, we’ll do it in person, sometimes we’ll even do it over the phone just to have that long and awkward pause. No matter what, just know that it means we’re pissed about something.

“You know what?”

You definitely know what, you’re just denying it and he wants you to know. Typically, when I’ve reached, “you know what?” status it’s because the woman is operating under a completely false premise. Maybe I’m trying to keep the peace and she keeps pushing, that’s when I got to let her know what the “what” really is.

“I shouldn’t have to do this.”

Letting you know what we should and shouldn’t have to do is the last sign of frustration. The problem with relationships is that there really isn’t a manual for how to be in a relationship, just a lot of hearsay advice from various sources in our network. There are self-help books everywhere, but none of them are really telling you anything you couldn’t find out elsewhere. “I should have to do this” means, “You should know better.” It’s a sign that you’re neglecting something that you should be more than capable of handling.

Everybody’s relationship is different and every guy will express his anger in different ways. Some guys will agree with this list, some will say they’ve never said any of these a day in their life. (They’re probably lying to be honest with you.) Ladies, what are some signs that you look for when trying to figure out if he’s angry? Fellas, have I left any off this list that typically are the signs that you’re upset?

blog love – misery business: how to stop letting obnoxious people bother you

Today’s Blog Love is a post from the ladies over at Peace, Love & Pretty Things. More namely, GG Renee Hill. Their blog is absolutely phenomenal for helping you find the silver lining in your cloud or giving you that extra kick in the pants to just. do. you. There’s plenty of positivity to go around! This article specifically reminds us that the reflection in the mirror often includes others besides yourself… How do they affect your self-image and outlook on life?

-Love & Light… CB Radio

Monday, April 9, 2012

Misery Business: How to Stop Letting Obnoxious People Bother You

 Posted by GG Renee on 6:14 PM
source

Maybe I’m too sensitive. But I pretty much live by the standard that “If you don’t have anything nice to say to someone, then don’t say it.” I prefer to just let people be who they are and do what they do unless it directly impacts me or mine in some way. I don’t like when people give me unsolicited opinions about how I live my life, how I raise my children, how I dress, how I wear my hair. I suppose there’s something to the whole “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” thing, but really no matter how you say it, if it’s none of your business, it’s just none of your business.

I don’t understand it. Apparently, this is just how some folks operate. They must get some kind of satisfaction from hearing themselves talk. Or maybe they feel powerful when they think that they have successfully made someone else feel defensive or uncomfortable.  You know the type.

It’s toxic. We all have things we could complain or rant on about, right? But it’s a slippery slope. I’m not saying that I never complain, but I always feel worse when I do. And when I’m around people who are always grumbling and speaking negativity into every situation they can (especially at work!), I want to run in the other direction.

Miserable people feed off the energy of others, and they’ll take any kind of attention they can get. Once you become conscious of this, you become much less susceptible to it. If they are judging you, it’s sure thing that they are down on themselves in some way. And if they find something unpleasant to say about everything, then this is not the right person for you to open yourself up to.

Guard yourself.   Don’t allow this transfer of energy to occur. While you can’t control what others say or do, you can control what you internalize. Keep your heart and mind clear of other people’s trash. Know yourself, protect your peace of mind, and don’t let them see you sweat.

How do you handle negative people?  In the work place? Family members? Perhaps these things don’t bother you at all!   Do share.

blog love – if i had never Loved you.

Muze of Because I’m Write never ceases to amaze me with her writing… In this Blog Love post she so candidly illustrates the bitterness of incredible love lost but also the sweetness of recovery… Enjoy.

-Love & Light… CB Radio

if i had never Loved you.

Posted on May 6, 2011 by 

if i had never Loved you.

this thought sails on the usually whimsical winds of my mind ever so often. my memory is a picky and selfish woman, keeping what she needs and having no regard for that which cannot benefit her.

she keeps this thought. this idea of if i had never Loved you.

there is good. there is great. and then there is a connection that digs so deeply inside you that imagining it severed would be imagining yourself less a limb. less a heart ventricle. less a brain lobe. simply picturing yourself minus this person is almost unfathomable. you have no idea how you survived the calendar before their daily presence. you have no memory of life before them. you want no future memory absent of them.

if i had never Loved you, stays with you.

even when the unthinkable occurs and you find yourself in circumstances that leave you less a limb, a ventricle, a frontal lobe. you feel as though your heart might just simply burst out of your chest and spill its contents onto the floor, someone’s laugh and smile and tears and words soiling your newly polished hardwood. you find your heart was pumping them, alone. the very essence of them sustained you daily. even then, you try to sweep up their shattered contents of your heart and piece them together in your memory, so that you might survive another day.

if i had never Loved you now becomes a mantra of all the pain you’d have avoided.

and then one day you wake up feeling … alright. you notice your limb growing back. you realize you survived.

my fickle mind discards any pain. disposes of any anger that might have collected in the rumination piles.

months pass, and it’s refreshing not to have someone consume eighty percent of your brilliant brain space. you feel creative. you feel free. you realize just how much of your life was spent absorbing the sum of someone else and converting it to negative energy.

if i had never Loved you remains the sole thought. the sole piece of the discarded puzzle. if i had never Loved you remains a sticky note on the frontal lobe that has reemerged.

but far from a thorn, it becomes a fresh drop of dew on the rose that grew out of the hardened concrete that was my heart.

If i had never Loved you. this thought reminds one that if you hadn’t gotten through, if you hadn’t noticed the book cover, opened it, ripped all the pages out and wrote something more beautiful, i might have never contemplated it possible.

if i had never Loved you forces me to accept the fact that i wouldn’t know what it is like to have someone Love me almost as i Love myself. to have someone share deepest fears, pains, regrets, joys, highs, and unbelievables, and mirror that emotion with such exactness, any ignorant soul would have sworn it happened to you.

some people are in your life for a brief season. some people are in your life forever. and some are in your life for as long as it takes for you to discover what you’re capable of. to show you how far your heart can stretch before it becomes something altogether new.

if i had never Loved you now reminds me that i’d never know it was possible to let another human inhabit your soul, your mind, your spirit, yourself, in every way.

because i Loved you, lends the comforting knowledge that i can Love the next with less fear. with more courage. with a deeper understanding. a stronger connection. with more acceptance. more trust. more vulnerability. delicately and fiercely in the same breath. with an open heart. with all of me.

if i had never Loved you, guarantees that i will be able to Love my next Him consummately. that i will be able to accept a consummate emotional involvement.

because i now know that there is no other way to Love.