blog love – i love you, but i don’t need you and you certainly don’t complete me

Today’s Blog Love post is from one of my favorite bloggers, Ms. GG Renee of All the Many Layers. A few months back, I made a post about Tamar Braxton’s new single, Love and War. I briefly touched on the type of relationship that evokes two very different dynamics… the feeling of love and the feeling of war. Essentially, in this type of relationship you fight hard but you love even harder. You might fight like cats and dogs but in the end… it’s always all good.

Well, this post from GG Renee explores the notion that sometimes what we view in our relationships as “love”… the drama, intensity, obsession… just might be signs of an unhealthy attachment. Read on to see if you, or someone you know, can relate.

-Love & Light… CB Radio

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2012

I Love You, but I Don’t Need You {and You Certainly Don’t Complete Me}

I have this maddening pet peeve about love songs. And I’m going to tell you about it. It will sound trivial at first, but we’ll end up in a valuable, thoughtful kind of place – I promise.

So, I can’t stand love songs that are written with these extreme simplifications that don’t really make sense.  To wit: “I’d die without you…You are my everything…I can’t breathe without you.”

Really?  Nothing would make me run away faster.  I find these sentiments disturbing. They sound like obsession.  And unhealthy attachment.  Not love.  Love is about letting go, not clinging.

Maybe we need the drama.  Some of us think that if there’s no intensity, then it’s not love. Anyone?

~~~~~~~~~~

Years ago, all I’d experienced was that volatile kind of love – it probably shouldn’t even be called love, desire is a better word – where I was driven by this need to be with this man at all costs.  I was endlessly patient, thinking that I could turn him into what I wanted him to be through perserverance. Not only did I want him to change, but I wanted him to change for me.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I defined myself by our relationship. I didn’t think I could be happy with him not loving me the way I thought he should.  I wanted him to fill me up.

Never again, in a millions lifetimes would I ever want to feel that I need someone’s love to make me whole.  I couldn’t see what was really happening; all I could see was what I wanted to happen. I thought this desire was love.  But I wasn’t being my true self and I wasn’t letting him be true to himself either.  Yet I would cry and throw love in his face to make him feel responsible for my turmoil.  “But I loooooove you!  I’ve done nothing but love you and look how you treat me!”

I can vividly remember the wall slides and the slamming doors.  Somewhere deep down, deep deep down, I relished all the emotional mayhem.  I thought, “Wow, we must really be in love.  We go at it, but we can’t function without each other so we keep coming back.”    I managed to actually feel lucky to have such passion in my life.  No matter the cost, I was going to go down with that ship.  I was sure of it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.”   You don’t have to force it, trick it, wait for it or cage it up so no one else can get it.  You don’t have to experience pain or heartache in order to experience love.

When you truly love someone, you are simply thankful that they exist and you want them to be happy whether they are with you or not. You can see beyond yourself enough to know that this is not all there is.

This post is not just about romance and dramatic lyrics though, is it?  The more we learn what love is trying to teach us, the more we’ll appreciate every aspect of our journeys.  Love does not exist in one person, place or thing.  It’s everywhere, above, below and around and inside of all of us.  So you see, there’s no need to cling or fixate on a certain outcome.

Love says to let go, have faith, and be at peace. Not just in your relationships, but in life.  Are you listening?

Advertisements

blog love – be

The Blog Love featured here is a poem by Muze at Because I’m Write. I’d usually insert some sort of introduction here, but here I feel there is no introduction needed… How about a round of poetry snaps??

Love & Light… CB Radio

Be

Posted on August 5, 2011 by 

a dozen ways to Live,
we taught each other how to breathe
without oxygen
oxymoronic collaborations of genius
we crafted,
between stained fingers and intertwined strands
of lust and Love…
coasting on intangible planes of Pure.

not meant for consumption
yet you ate off my plate of afflicted beautiful
like your last meal was at stake
i fed you spoonfuls of consistent inconsistency…
washed your tongue with my words,
smiling in the moments when our palates met gracefully.

imperfected flawlessly, we reached
so far beyond any planet or star, we named this Abyss
sealed with a kiss of wrists when i lay lazily across your midriff
and not meant to rhyme but reason escaped, so Be was let Be.

blog love – how to know he is mad at you: 10 signs

For the next Blog Love article, Dr. J over at Single Black Male gives us ladies some insight by translating some “guyspeak” on ten signs your man is mad at you. Ladies, do any of these things sound familiar to you or have you been the one to say them? Fellas, have you said these things before? What’s missing from the list?

-Love & Light… CB Radio

How to Know He’s Mad at You: 10 Signs

December 20, 2012 By 

A few years back I was with my ex and she had a close friend who came home to find that her boyfriend had moved all of his things out while she was away at work that day. As she sat with her trying to console her I was thinking to myself, “I know for a fact that he didn’t just up and leave.” You know she had told me a story about how she kept pressing him to make plans for marriage and he was very hesitant, but they had been together for a minute so she kept pressing. In my mind, I knew what happened: he got so frustrated that one day he just decided he’d leave since she wouldn’t listen to him. I think that the majority of men whether they are excellent communicators or not always have a tendency to let things bottle up inside of them. I’ve noticed in myself that I have that flaw, I’ll never really tell a person when they’re bothering me until it’s too late and either I’m ready to move on or I explode. I thought back over all the times I’ve been mad and I came up with a list of ten signs he’s upset.

how to know he is mad at you

“Nothing.”

The fan favorite for the Black male is telling you that nothing is wrong. Pay close attention to this though, it’s different from when a woman says, “nothing.” When a woman says “nothing” she really means, “keep trying to find out what’s wrong.” When a man says “nothing” he really means “everything is wrong but I don’t want to talk about it because the situation isn’t likely to change.”

“You got it.”

At a certain point in every argument men reach that point where they realize that there is no way for them to win or even find middle ground. They also realize that sometimes their old lady has gotten so wound up for battle that he’s on level 1 and she’s preparing for an Extinction Level Event.

“I should just…”

This is my favorite… when I get to that point where I’m upset or frustrated I tell myself that I should just do something wild so you see exactly why I’m upset. If you’re giving me the silent treatment and I’m trying to ask if you want to go to this nice dinner tonight, I’ll just say, “I should just leave and then watch what she do when she see the pics on Instagram.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.”

At this point, the man has completely lost any hope that you could possibly handle the situation or issue. This literally means, “cease and desist, move on to the side, and don’t do anything else to contribute to the dismay or failure of the situation.” Keep in mind, once a man loses faith in your ability to handle situations, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever get back that faith. This might be a time when an act of desperation or a “coming through in the clutch” moment should be inspired inside of you.

[Silence]

You ever been driving down the street, seen a couple in another car and the guy’s hands are on the steering wheel, staring out the front of the car while his girlfriend is ripping him a new one? Funny right? Nope. That’s a tactic used by men to not contribute to a crazy situation. Typically, when a crazy situation ends both sides say what they did wrong to contribute to it, by not saying anything at all it leaves no other chance for a result other than “woman you crazy.”

“Aight, bet.”

I’ve got a friend who says this just about all the time. It’s typically between men and not often used towards women. “Aight, bet” means, “I’m through with this argument, actions speak louder than words.” “Aight, bet” is also the most frequently used phrase before someone exits and returns with a pistol or shank. If you’re around a bar or lounge and you see someone say this and leave, you should go too.

“Are you serious?!”

We’re just seeking clarification that you actually know just how much of a hot mess you’re currently acting like. We don’t really expect anything to come from this question, but we want you to understand you’re being a hot mess. Feel free to continue on with your point, but we just wanting to level set on the status of your behavior. 

“OK.”

We are all very well aware that women hate this reply to anything. It means a lot but it doesn’t give a single detail or confirmation. If you start hooting and hollering and you get an “OK” it’s the ultimate finger to your storm. We’ll do it via text, we’ll do it in person, sometimes we’ll even do it over the phone just to have that long and awkward pause. No matter what, just know that it means we’re pissed about something.

“You know what?”

You definitely know what, you’re just denying it and he wants you to know. Typically, when I’ve reached, “you know what?” status it’s because the woman is operating under a completely false premise. Maybe I’m trying to keep the peace and she keeps pushing, that’s when I got to let her know what the “what” really is.

“I shouldn’t have to do this.”

Letting you know what we should and shouldn’t have to do is the last sign of frustration. The problem with relationships is that there really isn’t a manual for how to be in a relationship, just a lot of hearsay advice from various sources in our network. There are self-help books everywhere, but none of them are really telling you anything you couldn’t find out elsewhere. “I should have to do this” means, “You should know better.” It’s a sign that you’re neglecting something that you should be more than capable of handling.

Everybody’s relationship is different and every guy will express his anger in different ways. Some guys will agree with this list, some will say they’ve never said any of these a day in their life. (They’re probably lying to be honest with you.) Ladies, what are some signs that you look for when trying to figure out if he’s angry? Fellas, have I left any off this list that typically are the signs that you’re upset?

only in love and war

With the release of her new single, “Love and War”, Tamar Braxton (a.k.a. She! Me! Her!) seems to finally be on the rise and out of the shadows of her sister, singer Toni Braxton, and her music mogul husband, Vincent Herbert. Penned by Grammy award-winning songwriter, LaShawn Daniels of “It’s Not Right (but It’s Okay) by Whitney Houston”, “The Boy is Mine” by Monica & Brandy, “You Rock My World” by Michael Jackson, “Telephone” by Lady Gaga, and “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child (need I go on?) fame “Love and War” is that gut-wrenching, sometimes tear-jerking ballad of triumph in the war of love which, in my opinion, has seemingly been lacking  in the recent years of R&B. The rise and fall of the driving percussion topped with Braxton’s stellar range of vocals brings Daniels’ lyrics to life and gives it a soul all its own.  Watch her perform the song live at her artist showcase here.

Somebody said everyday was gon’ be sunny skies
Only Marvin Gaye and lingerie, I guess somebody lied
Started discussing it to fighting then don’t touch me please
Then it’s let’s stop the madness, just come lay with me
Truth be told, I’m waving my flag before it goes bad

‘Cause we made it this far on “for better or worse”
I want to feel it even if it hurts
If I gotta cry to get to the other side
Let’s go ’cause we gon’ survive

We stay on the frontlines, yeah but we’re still here after the bomb drops
We go so hard, we lose control
The fire starts, then we explode
When the smoke clears, we dry our tears
Only in love and war

It’s about that kind of love that makes you unleash your inner crazy on your significant other that you never knew existed yet no one else will bring them pain on your watch. It’s about knowing that your significant other can cut you so deeply but also knowing that they are the only one who can make it better. Somehow you can wear each other down so thin but you manage to build each other up every single time. The world can rise up against you but it’s okay… as long as it’s you and him/her against the world.

It’s that special kind of love… a love worth going to war for.

-Love & Light… CB Radio

What say you? Can you relate to the lyrics? In your opinion, is any love worth war? How do you feel about the song?

let it flow

The year was 1995. I was in junior high school… not yet knee-deep into my teenage years but definitely far past the bench mark of childhood. My interest had just only begun to peak in boyfriends and not just friends who were boys. The word “love” still rendered a superficial translation of “I just really like you a lot” to just about any of us who dared utter it. Yet one of the songs I remember most from that year is “Water Runs Dry” by Wanya Morris and Co. Boyz II Men. I don’t know if I fully understood the meaning of the song back then or not… but it was my jam and perfect for those school bus ride a cappella harmonizing sessions!

Now they can see the tears in our eyes/But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts/Well maybe that’s a pain we can’t hide/Cause everybody knows that we’re both torn apart/Why do we hurt each other/Why do we push love away

Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry/We might watch our whole lives pass us by/Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry/We’ll make the biggest mistake of our lives/Don’t do it baby

-Boyz II Men, “Water Runs Dry”

One of the most remarkable lyrics in the song, “some people will work things out and some just don’t know how to change”  still rings loud and clear to me today… When you’re at that point in your romantic relationship – at risk of the water running dry – how and when is it determined that you and your partner can work things out or if you really are those who don’t know how to change?

I think a point worth mentioning here is that it isn’t always so much about knowing the difference, but knowing that something has to be done to preserve the “water” in the relationship… before it runs dry. For some that may mean bettering the relationship and making it last. For others that may mean “downgrading”, for lack of a better term, to a friendship and realizing that you compliment each others lives much better that way.

All of the time and energy poured into the relationship up until this point was invested because there was some emotion there. You felt something for that person and they for you. Why let that prove in vain or go to waste if you don’t have to? If the other person ever meant anything to you at all… don’t let it run dry. Let it flow…

-Love & Light… CB Radio

So, what say you? When the going gets tough, the tough get going… and running away from it all? Do you stand firm and fight for your relationships by any means necessary? What other nuances do you take away from the song?

blog love – if i had never Loved you.

Muze of Because I’m Write never ceases to amaze me with her writing… In this Blog Love post she so candidly illustrates the bitterness of incredible love lost but also the sweetness of recovery… Enjoy.

-Love & Light… CB Radio

if i had never Loved you.

Posted on May 6, 2011 by 

if i had never Loved you.

this thought sails on the usually whimsical winds of my mind ever so often. my memory is a picky and selfish woman, keeping what she needs and having no regard for that which cannot benefit her.

she keeps this thought. this idea of if i had never Loved you.

there is good. there is great. and then there is a connection that digs so deeply inside you that imagining it severed would be imagining yourself less a limb. less a heart ventricle. less a brain lobe. simply picturing yourself minus this person is almost unfathomable. you have no idea how you survived the calendar before their daily presence. you have no memory of life before them. you want no future memory absent of them.

if i had never Loved you, stays with you.

even when the unthinkable occurs and you find yourself in circumstances that leave you less a limb, a ventricle, a frontal lobe. you feel as though your heart might just simply burst out of your chest and spill its contents onto the floor, someone’s laugh and smile and tears and words soiling your newly polished hardwood. you find your heart was pumping them, alone. the very essence of them sustained you daily. even then, you try to sweep up their shattered contents of your heart and piece them together in your memory, so that you might survive another day.

if i had never Loved you now becomes a mantra of all the pain you’d have avoided.

and then one day you wake up feeling … alright. you notice your limb growing back. you realize you survived.

my fickle mind discards any pain. disposes of any anger that might have collected in the rumination piles.

months pass, and it’s refreshing not to have someone consume eighty percent of your brilliant brain space. you feel creative. you feel free. you realize just how much of your life was spent absorbing the sum of someone else and converting it to negative energy.

if i had never Loved you remains the sole thought. the sole piece of the discarded puzzle. if i had never Loved you remains a sticky note on the frontal lobe that has reemerged.

but far from a thorn, it becomes a fresh drop of dew on the rose that grew out of the hardened concrete that was my heart.

If i had never Loved you. this thought reminds one that if you hadn’t gotten through, if you hadn’t noticed the book cover, opened it, ripped all the pages out and wrote something more beautiful, i might have never contemplated it possible.

if i had never Loved you forces me to accept the fact that i wouldn’t know what it is like to have someone Love me almost as i Love myself. to have someone share deepest fears, pains, regrets, joys, highs, and unbelievables, and mirror that emotion with such exactness, any ignorant soul would have sworn it happened to you.

some people are in your life for a brief season. some people are in your life forever. and some are in your life for as long as it takes for you to discover what you’re capable of. to show you how far your heart can stretch before it becomes something altogether new.

if i had never Loved you now reminds me that i’d never know it was possible to let another human inhabit your soul, your mind, your spirit, yourself, in every way.

because i Loved you, lends the comforting knowledge that i can Love the next with less fear. with more courage. with a deeper understanding. a stronger connection. with more acceptance. more trust. more vulnerability. delicately and fiercely in the same breath. with an open heart. with all of me.

if i had never Loved you, guarantees that i will be able to Love my next Him consummately. that i will be able to accept a consummate emotional involvement.

because i now know that there is no other way to Love.

blog love – panama and his theory of misplaced loyalty

I’m always up for a good discussion and a great laugh. I  always find both with the community over at VSB. So, for my second featured Blog Love article Panama Jackson, over at Very Smart Brothas, dissects the notion of misplaced loyalty. Specifically, women’s misplaced loyalty… Will you agree with his theory? Things that make you go, “hmmm…”

Note: *If you are easily offended by “strong” language… Stop here.*

Panama and His Theory of Misplaced Loyalty

Posted on 06/21/2012 by 

I’ve got a theory. I know a lot of you all are averse to hard facts and science. But fret not because even after all my logic and my theory, I will add a motherf*cker so the ignant n*ggas hear me.

Let’s start at the top: women are overloyal. I could probably go the Black woman route and throw the words most or many to satisfy the antigeneralizationists out there. But I won’t do that. Satisfy deez. Pun. Anyway, women almost as a rule tend to be overloyal. As in, despite all of the facts, figures, and evidence, a woman will likely find some reason to stick it out and stay.

Exhibit A: Mimi from Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta

Obviously, we’re not breaking new ground here. I think most people, men and women, would agree that a vast majority of woman stick around way too long. But the loyalty extends to other areas as well. For instance, Chris Brown is still having a stellar music career despite every attempt he’s made to end it. And it’s not just because he’s the best accessory artist in music today (seriously, dude makes every song he’s on sound better). It’s almost like he WANTS to go to jail. R. Kelly still has a career. Hell, he’s had such a good career post Pissgate that he owes the IRS nearly $5 million dollars. Guess he can take over the cell that Mr. Big occupied. And it’s not like men are keeping those ninjas careers afloat. Nope. It’s women. To a lesser degree, I’d wager that this even extends to the megachurch pastors who seem to have issues beyond reproach. Though I can’t lie…in Creflo’s case I honestly would wait to pass judgement on him. I had a cousin pull that “call the police and claim I got beat down by my parents” sh*t only to find out what it actually felt like to get beat down AFTER.

(By the way, there’s nothing wrong with women’s loyalty. In fact, it’s a good thing. Only when said loyalty is attached to negativity is it a bad thing. Just needed to add that in here somewhere.)

Anyway, women are overloyal. And here’s why: because women hate to be wrong. Leaving a man would require a woman to admit that she chose wrong. Which has to be a very difficult conclusion to draw considering how quickly most women are willing to place all of their proverbial eggs in that one basket. I’ve always found it interesting how women will find a man and date him for a while and be done. There’s no more looking. They have a man and that’s the one they’re hoping to end their dating life with. This perplexes me because it leaves very little room for evaluation. The evaluation that gets done isn’t to determine if she should stay or leave, it’s done to determine how to keep the relationship she’s in despite whatever issue exists. So while men never seem willing to work anything out, I suppose women want to work everything out. Not that I’m advocating for the early dissolution of a relationship because we don’t want to work, but let’s be real here, if you choose wisely upfront you won’t have to dissolve anything later, right?

One of my favorite artists is Kendrick Lamar. On his (O)verly (D)edicated LP, he has a song called “Opposites Attract (Tomorrow Without Her)”. At the end of this song is a spoken word piece by some cat (not sure who he is) that’s talking about how ridiculous a man can be towards women, how women give 100 percent even when a man is only giving like 20 percent. And how this woman is totally dedicated to this man who couldn’t care less. And yet she loves him and she always tells him that she loves him.

“But instead of admitting that she’s made another mistake, she tells me that she loves me…and I don’t know about love…”

I used to have a long running convo with one of my boys about the ability to trust my heart over my mind. And whether or not you should run with your heart or your mind when it came to love. I think we concluded that you should listen to your heart but trust your head. I get the impression that women are the opposite. Point there is that by trusting my (big) head…pun…we’d manage not to stick around in situations that were clearly not good for us to be in. And I’ve always wondered if that just made me non-loyal. Or if I was just smart. I’m not sure. But I do realize that I’m capable of making a mistake with my heart.

And I wonder if most women are okay with coming to that conclusion. That’s not a shot at all, by the way. More of a question.

And a theory…women are overloyal because they hate being wrong or admitting they made a mistake.

Motherf*cker.

What do y’all think? Ladies, do you think that you’re too loyal? And if so, is it because you don’t want to admit that you made a mistake? Fellas, what have you observed? Are you loyal enough?

Sometimes I, feel we share, nothing in common, it ain’t fair…where do we seem to fall??

Forgive me if this rambled, I listened to Nicki Minaj’s “Right By My Side” while writing this. F*cktasticness happens.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3